In the whole of the world there is nothing that stays unchanged. All is in flux. Any shape that is formed is constantly shifting. Time itself flows steadily by in perpetual motion. Think of a river: no river can ever arrest its current, nor can the fleeting hour. But as the water is forced downstream by the water behind it and presses no less on the water ahead, so time is in constant flight and pursuit, continually new. The present turns into the past and the future replaces the present; every moment that passes is new and eternally changing.
Ovid, Metamorphoses, Book 15 - Pythagoras; lines 177-185.
This post serves no real purpose. I am not necessarily trying to ‘teach’ you anything, instead I wanted to show you something. I wanted to show my experience with life’s total indifference to successes and sufferings; I have found beauty in it. I wanted to show you the absence of grand narratives; I have found beauty in it. I wanted to perform an act of radical sincerity. Today, we are far too atomised and far too lonely. Let us address the vulnerable moments in life and actively resist emotional panopticism!
To do so, I offer the following four diary entries. They can and should be read in a pluralistic manner; philosophically, intimately, as a work of fiction. My only ask is that as you read the following four pieces, you think more of your own life than of mine.
I have left misspellings, and crossed out words intact to try and preserve the entries as much as possible. Footnotes have been added to provide context and are, obviously, not from my original writings.
Wednesday 11th January 2023
This is a rather unexpected start.
It hadn’t really been in my plans to start writing like this, however, i’ve felt various forces coming together - to an almost overwhelming extent - and here i am.
I spent the first 10 days of the New Year with my cousin, her girlfriend, and their friends mostly partying (some relaxing). On the 2nd - 4th i travelled around Porto with Laurence1 - had an amazing time - and then spent the rest of my time in Vila Nova de Milfontes. My parents arrived on the 8th and the with my aunt + grandma but they left the next day. While they were here, my family, Laurence and i travelled around Porto Covo + Ilha do Pessegueiro (i had to google that spelling lol). Since the 8th, it’s been the 4 of us - my parents, Laurence, and myself. I love that i have been able to spend Christmas and the New Year in Portugal with Laurence and my family, but i do miss my cats, especially my little baby Memphis (sorry Ginger, love you!)
Today! - Today has been good. I didn’t wake up in time so my parents went to Sines without me, however, I now feel thoroughly well rested so im not complainig complaining. In the afternoon we all went for some ice cream - i had pistachio + dom vitto (sour cherry + chocolate) which was thoroughly delightful - before Laurence and i went off to the bookstore where i purchased this book (+ pen).
The two of us went for a walk down by the sea which was mostly pleasant. I mean, it was pleasant, it’s just that sometimes things get strangely tense. One of us will snap at the other and then not say how we feel - stuff like that. We have been away from eachother for several months now because of my year abroad, so it’s probably just that. Nonetheless i love him. I love him exactly as i did before i left for America. I love him in a way that i didn’t think was possible. I love him in a way i don’t think is just. The beach, as ever, was beautiful. There was that gentle sweetness in the air (from the sea daffodils i think) that only Portugal has, it reminds me of my grandfather.
Now, I am sat at the table writing this. My hair is coarse from the sea breeze; my parents are on the sofa; the cure is playing on the TV; Laurence is upstairs resting. Eventually we’ll watch Manufacturing Consent (i’ve been begging everyone to watch it with me for days, they’re sick of me and are only going to watch it to keep me quiet).
I am feeling particularly content, and have high hopes for the future :)
Sunday 19th Feb 2023
Quite a lot of time has passed.
I won’t be re-capping all of it, i simply can’t remember. Anyway, at some point after James2 and i went to that hotel, i did some more work on my Ravel dissertation (researching Desire etc). I performed in the university concert ‘Sunset Boulevard’, and i had a wonderful Valentines day with my best friends and Katie, Henry, and Dahlia. I have also hung out with Leo (for the first time properly). We went to the mall, talked about music + Jazz, got “closer” or whatever. It was good, i was initially uncertain about them, they have this dry sort of insult humour - which i like a lot - but i rarely see them be sincere so sometimes i think they’re actually being mean - but i’m probably just being insecure. Now that i’ve hung out with them ‘properly’ i understand them better. I like them a lot, i hope we become better friends. Also there was a post ‘Sunset Boulevard’ party at this club called Black (which i miraculously got into).
I’ve spent all of tonight today in bed watching TV. This is a rare occurence for me however, i just don’t feel particularly great. I cannot explain it. I don’t think it has anything to do with my step grandfather’s death, but you never know. I rang my aunts, my parents, my cousin, and my grandmother. It broke my heart. So much suffering and absolutely no way to help, or even express my concern properly. My Portuguese isn’t good enough, i struggle to tell my family how much i love them. I hate feeling useless helpless.
On a more positive note, my song cycle is going to be performed in April - i need to finish it soon, Katie has been begging me for the music, oops. It should be good, i’m interested to see where the second song goes, it’s the only one i haven’t finished.
With all this being said - if things come back to me, i’ll write them down as they come. I really want to make this a regular part of my life again.
—> i got a moustache. i look hot
Sat February 3rd 2024
It has been 394 days.
I’m scared to re read entries in this diary.
I contemplated lying, saying i found them funny albeit difficut. But the truth is i am afraid. I miss my past-self. I’m jealous of him; I’m angry(?) at him; I love him, I want to hug him; the list is vast and complicated. The amount of change in 394 days is not unquantifiable.
I have unfortunately suffered immense loss. In May/June i lost Katie and Henry. Some pathetic drama got out of hand and we’re unfortunately no longer friends. I miss them more than i care to admit. In Late August i lost Laurence. Our break up was a long time coming but it still hurt beyond belief. I spent days mourning over us. I loved him. I really did. I still do.
On the 9th of November Memphis was put down at the vet. My poor baby. She was so ill, i found it difficult to look at her. She was in so much pain. There is unfortunately no silver lining to this. I am obviously relieved she is no longer suffering but that hardly brings me comfort. I looked back at photos from when we first got them (Memphis and Ginger) in 2009, and i was flooded by this indescribable feeling. The knowledge that i will never hug her again, or kiss her; that she’ll never sneak up the stairs hissing at Ginger on her way to sleep in my bed with me; it’s brutal. Brutal doesn’t really cover the surface begin to cover it.
I feel nauseous.
Despite all this i remain optimistic. My new friendships with my final year housemates have kept me afloat. University has been my refuge in a way. My return to this diary was spurred by a text conversation with Liam3 (who is at university with me in England now). There’s obviously a lot more to say but honestly i don’t think now is the right time to write it.
I want to end by declaring that:
I have NEVER been more grateful to be alive, and i love life with every fibre of my being. Summer is a gift to winter; winter is a gift to summer.
Wednesday 13th November 2024
I have been offered auditions for both RCM and Guildhall. This came as a shock to me because i didn’t think my portfolio was good enough. I look forward to my auditions; their outcomes will forever change the direction of my life.
In September i met Thomas while on holiday abroad. He’s a friend of a friend, i’m not really sure what to say about him. He brings me this feeling i have only otherwise encountered in poetry or music. I think i like him; I think he likes me back? I’m not sure. Regardless, he came and visited me in London this past weekend. We had a wonderful time. We watched a staged production of The Rite of Spring at Sadlers Wells - which was INCREDIBLE. Over the weekend, i took him on the Riverside walk from Twickenham to Richmond, we had sex, he met all of my friends at a bar (they all love him, which sort of makes things more difficult). Unfortunately, we had a rushed goodbye.
I hope to see him again soon, i miss him.
Both of my parents have moved back to Portugal now. Our Greater London home has been sold and i am now living in Central. I love it here. Every day i wake up in good spirits, and on the off chance i don’t, as i leave my flat and walk down my road, my mood is immediately improved.
There is beauty everywhere. The Georgian Terraced Houses bring me joy, the skyscrapers bring me joy, the turning of the seasons bring me joy, even the recent ‘miserable’ weather brings me joy.
I love my new job, however, i am have been feeling a slump recently - I’m not sure why - but i hope it goes away soon. I know i have lots more to say but i am unable to find the words. I returned here after seeing my reflection in the kitchen window. I think his stare told showed me that i needed to figure my thoughts out. If that has actually happened, i’m not sure.
Laurence and i have not spoken since the new year. He sent me a congratulations message when i graduated, and i thanked him. He did give me a short life update, now that i think about it. oh well. I hardly think about us anymore. I recetly discovered that he may have a new boyfriend which initially hurt (“hurt” maybe is innacurate. It was a shock, an unpleasant one). Regardless of this, i am sure that there are no lingering feelings. Even though i do sometimes wonder what he is up to. This whole situation reminds me of a poem i read4 on my way to work the other day:
it may not always be so; and i say that if your lips, which i have loved, should touch another's and your dear strong fingers clutch his heart as mine in time not far away; if on another's face your sweet hair lay in such a silence as i know, or such great writhing words as, uttering overmuch, stand helplessly before the spirit at bay; if this should be, i say if this should be - you of my heart, send me a little word; that i may go unto him and take his hands, saying, Accept all happiness from me. Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird sing terribly afar in the lost lands.
I have re read my diary now and it has broken me, but created the necessary room for repair.
My boyfriend. We started dating in February 2022 and were absolutely in love.
A friend from my year abroad - our friendship was intimate but never crossed the line. We flirted a lot; I sometimes questioned what we were and where our friendship would go. It went nowhere.
A good friend I made on my year abroad in America
E.E Cummings - it may not always be so; and i say
Wow